How to Get Your Wildness Back


pan_childwallAll good hippies have read Tom Robbin’s “Jitterbug Perfume.” My all-time favorite character of fiction is Pan, who represents all things instinctual, primal, sexual and raw. There is a whole mythology to Pan which is fascinating but here’s my impression of Pan. Pan does whatever he wants. He is walking desire and he is satisfaction all in one body. He is totally in touch with his animal because he IS half animal. Pan smells bad because he doesn’t care and he emanates a lot of musk. He likes to walk up to drinking holes like ponds and streams in the woods because he knows that is where the naked virgin nymphs hang out. He likes to fuck them upon sight and they don’t really object. In fact, they can smell him coming from a mile away.

Pan eats whatever he wants from forest kill to buffet food from the banquets he crashes. He looks a little scary because his eyes are wild and he has stuff dripping off the weird patches of hair on his face. Pan is intoxicatingly vulgar, a real skank king.

Nobody sees Pan these days because of one simple reason. The thing that keeps Pan alive is our consciousness. In other words, when he disappears from our consciousness, he disappears. I am starting a universal campaign to bring Pan back in to high visibility. All we have to do is be aware (or beware) of Pan. The bumper sticker could read “Beware of Pan, You Don’t Know What You May Do.”

I get a happy and delicious feeling just thinking about him. He makes me do wild things such as:

-Turn off my phone for a whole day and do whatever I want

-Get on the back of a motorcycle with a stranger and go for a ride like I did last night

-Wear sexy clothes

-Talk to anyone who interests me

-Realize that life is here to insanely enjoy it

-Wear my giant furry Pan boots even when it is summertime in Austin and announce wherever I go “I am channeling Pan today and I may fuck you”

Have you seen him lately? Maybe you feel him when you listen to some ripping electric sex-on-a-stick guitar player. Or maybe when you run around in the woods naked. Or maybe when you just turn off your phone for a whole day and don’t do what you are supposed to do. Just keep your nose in the air and see if he is in your vicinity....